thegreatbeyond

Sorry i didn't update for a few days--I was away. Don't worry; compensation is on the way!

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Hey guys--I'm sorry I took a few days off--password troubles. However, I do intend on compenstating you all: the following is a mathamatical explanation of why Santa Claus Cannot exist. So..for all you Santa enthusiasts out there...you may want to refrain from read this. It just might burst your bubble. But anyway--here it is:

Does Santa Really Exist? A Mathematical Explanation
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

Ok--I have a bunch of sites which I think you may find...interesting. So yeah--be ready to laugh hysterically. You have been warned!

Ok--this first one is in my opinion the least funny of the ones I will show you which, as you will see, will reveal a lot when it comes to the level of funniness of the rest. It's the home page to this Russian guy who...raps. And punches and skateboards. ...While rapping. Don't worry--it'll all make sense once you get there. Here's the link:

www.illmitch.com

Heh heh... But really--try to feel sorry for this guy.... lol

This next one makes absolutely no sense at all, but it's still funny as hell. (by the way: you can thank Pezman for showing me this one)

http://members.aol.com/redmageintari/burn.html

This next one is extremly...odd. I relaly do fear for anyone who may come in contact with this site's owners, for they are truely disturbed.

http://www.realultimatepower.net/

wow...was my last post really sept. 24? Damn...that suxors... Almost two months then--two months without my funnies! Oh the HORROR! But yeah, anyways.... I'm going to start up a new chain of funnies--and I really like these. I hope you do too. They're called, "Analogies and Metaphors Found in School Essays." Enjoy!

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.